TL,DR: I’m baaaccccckkkkkkk! 😀
It has been nearly five years since my last blog post, but not really—I have made many posts on various social media platforms over the intervening years. While some of them might rise to the level of an otherwise functional blog post, most of them are mostly missives or rants, or otherwise ephemeral nothings of lesser enduring value. This is going to change. As of now.
In case you might have wondered, part of my reasons for letting my blogging slip lies in the fact that I lost my will to actively write after the end of my last serious (i.e., potentially marriageable) relationship—she died and a significant part of my heart went with her, too, but more on this in a subsequent post. Try as I might for over a year, I simply had no real motivation. I also have deleted quite a few of my posts because I was informed that I was negatively impacting my then growing career through the revelation of views to which some in my field averred, but this has been more of an excuse to not expand the horizons of my content to effectively reduce the relative percentage of certain more polemical subjects from my feed.
So, after this extended period of silence, why have I once again returned to this avocation? First and foremost, I love to write: it is my chiefest and preferred form of expression for several reasons, some of which I am sure that I will eventually share through this medium. I will start off noting my inherent introversion and shyness (unless you have got to know me personally, in which case, watch out!). This more or less impersonal medium is quite conducive to sharing my deeper musings without the ever-present fear of immediate rejection. Beyond this, however, is the reality that I can take more time to shape my opinions and sentiments into more agreeable forms; in addition, I tend to miss critical facts and thoughts when communicating extemporaneously. It also provides me a wider audience with which to share my views, as well as hold me accountable for that which I release into the world (because as we all know, once it has been placed on the Internet, it will forever remain on the Internet!).
Before we go any further, I need to share the following. First and foremost, this blog exists for me. Yes, blogs exist to disseminate facts and information, as well as opinions and sentiments, on any number of subjects to a wider audience and you are here to share them with me, for which, I am eternally grateful; indeed, I need a channel through which to get certain thoughts out of my heart and head and this is, in my opinion, an excellent means of doing so. I have long had a fondness for the range of expressiveness afforded through a somewhat more formal means of communication, being relatively well read through many of the “classics” of the 16th century through the present. I intend to use this medium as a means of expressing myself with a little more freedom than I do otherwise. Please understand that if what you’re reading seems to be written in a style quite unfamiliar, it is because this is actually how I think (yes, really!) and for the purposes of this blog, I choose not to filter my thoughts as readily or extensively as I must in my daily life, professionally or personally. I do not mean to give any offense or to “seem affected” for its own sake; rather, I need a means to let my thoughts flow without the constant, ceaseless and interminably tiring struggle of “watering down” my communications to match that currently in vogue for the day. Sometimes when I tire, my thoughts devolve to the level that you might find in the mass media but at this point, I will usually retire for the day. You are here as my guest so if you will think of this as the porch and parlor of my “online home”, you will understand that I live as I will herein. In other words, you are free to come and go as you will and if perchance you find something of value, it is all my pleasure to have been of service to you in this small regard.
In this regard, a corollary goal is to attract like-minded people into my life. I know that I’m not the only person in the world who is like as I just described but finding like-minded souls is difficult at best. I hope that by sharing some of my innermost secrets mostly raw and unfiltered, it will help us find each other.
My second major purpose in renewing my efforts as an amateur writer is that in my shyness, there are certain things that I would like to share with some of you that I find doing so in person to be fraught with the most extreme difficulty. Many of you will find it to be of no small surprise that I am awkward at best in most social situations where I am not among close friends or explicitly “friendly acquaintances” and even in these cases, I have been known to alienate many with either my overly conservative reservation or strong, unfiltered opinions; also, there are experiences from my past that I think would be helpful to others to know that you are not alone in having experienced such yourself (of course, with the appropriate “trigger warnings” as necessary, which unfortunately is the case). In line with this goal is my intent to open my heart and mind to the world but because of my aforementioned social failings, I find it most difficult to express myself without becoming nearly physically ill (and lest you think that I may be overstating this point, I will have to write at some point in the future about two incidents in which I have become ill in the most embarrassing of ways in the presence of two very unfortunate women, the nature of which if my life were a movie, it would be the fodder of the most comical of moments…).
To put this point into perspective, I love patronizing the theater, having a voracious appetite for all of the live performing arts. One of the traditions in in many places is for the performers to greet their audience and for the patrons to congratulate the performers; and, while there is a part of me that wants to do so, I find myself to be a nervous wreck, so much so that I usually slip out an alternate exit rather than having to face this “greeting gauntlet”. This was most recently demonstrated where following a wonderful theatrical revue, well selected and performed by some very talented actors, I decided to “swallow it” and make a point to congratulate one actress in particular and while it was not as bad as some previous experiences, I was nearly beside myself, unable to end the ordeal fast enough because I could see that I was making her quite uncomfortable herself with my general awkwardness, nearly rising to the level of a full panic attack….
This is, I am afraid, my singularly greatest interpersonal failing: caring so much about the opinions of others (largely as a result of certain childhood experiences that haunt me yet still, and as I have already mentioned about which I plan to write with the appropriate trigger warnings), I nearly paralyze myself with fear at times. This is no more acutely experienced elsewhere than in my dating life, which is one reason why I have tried almost every online dating service available: rejection is so much easier to accept when it is is not done directly to one’s face! Oh, do stay tuned for the many stories that I have to share from this!
Furthermore, not being one to imbibe the “liquid courage” that might otherwise loose my heart and tongue except in the most intimate and trusting of circles, I tend to prefer the slow, careful and admittedly overly-cautious route. Of course, if I am in a group setting where we have come to trust each other in the general case or she otherwise initiates the conversation, so long as I am careful not to over think the matter, I can usually open up quite freely. On the flip side, I find no such difficulty in self-expression when either on the stage (do not ask me why this is different for me, it simply is—you can say that I become an entirely new person when “in the limelight”) or in my blog.
Thus I write. I write because I must. I have arrived at the point at which I will go mad if I do not. And, since I am at a sufficiently comfortable place in my career, being on a trajectory that I had not even envisioned just a year ago, I am not as worried about the expression of my opinions on certain matters being my professional undoing (of course, I will state for the record that “I love my employer” and that I do not plan to step on those toes, at least, not intentionally!).
Another goal is to start using certain social media platforms according to the “stated purpose” thereof, e.g., Facebook for posting about personal matters and maintaining interpersonal connections, not merely as a “bully pulpit” for my social, political and spiritual views. Yes, I will will continue to make certain posts thereon from time to time but I plan to largely abandon doing so there, preferring to use my blog for such instead. For those who are my “online” friends, expect my wall to be transformed into a collection of stories regarding what I have been doing rather than what I think or feel: excepting that I will post links to these blog posts as I release them! (So, you can still expect some contact with my brain and heart from time to time.)
I do have quite the list of topics on which I have already planned to write: indeed, my outline is such that I can write weekly for months on end with no exhaustion of my present list of possibilities (what, did you think that I would leave even this to chance?!). In addition to migrating, restoring and continuing my socially-oriented posts (e.g., Believe on Jesus; Live and Let Live; Vote for the Libertarian for President [or any other liberty-leaning candidate for that matter]; End these damned foreign wars of imperial aggression; Give peace a chance; All you need is love; and, Support the fine and performing arts!), I plan to include stories from my past and plans for the future that reveal aspects of my character, personality and choices. Indeed, if you really want to get to know about certain aspects of me, this blog will be the place to find it. This will be a well-spring of self-disclosure. As they say, if you are wanting more information, go to the source! If you have any questions for me or topics about which you would like to see me write, please, ask! No promises but if it is appropriate, I will be sure to get around to it sometime!
So, I welcome you back to my world!