I was asked by a friend why I usually don’t participate in the perennial “bandwagon” self-revelation posts that circulate on social media, e.g., Pick n Things That Describe You, Fill-In-The-Blank About X, Tell n Things About Your Partner, etc. I explained that I’m generally a private person when it comes to such matters, especially when it relates to others, and that I reserve these type of conversations for face-to-face discussions. We reviewed some of the more recent ones, discussing them in detail, and he challenged me to pick one and not only do it, but to blog about it, explaining my choices. After much deliberation, I have. It definitely will make for an interesting series of articles. While I’m at it, I’ll also pass the challenge along to you.
Several times in my life I have experienced the situation in which I have been in love with a woman to the point that we exchanged a mutual commitment to pursue a relationship yet she changed her mind. Whether it was an old flame coming back into her life, her wanting to pursue someone else because they had history before finally “moving on” from that person or her finding a “better for her” soulmate, the pain that I experienced was intense. In several cases, the scar from this loss is still present and sensitive.
In the late summer and fall of 2016, I made several grave errors in judgement. My poor response to one person’s cruel mockery cost me dearly, setting in motion a course of events that contributed to the death of my then best friend and future wife (I came to find out well after the fact that she had already settled in her heart that she would accept my proposal when I gave it). The pain and grief have been hard to bear, especially since learning of this. I would have been lost if it weren’t for my faith and several friendships that gave me strength through it.
I had a run-in with her* this morning. I’ve actively and successfully avoided her for nearly a year—until now. Our paths have crossed only twice before this (of which I know) since early last winter but I believe that she didn’t see me at that time: I would’ve heard about it if she had, I’m sure.
Certain recent experiences have caused me to realize that a lot of the stress and discomfort that I have felt in my adult life is a direct result of my not recognizing and accepting who I am and how I was designed to interface with the world as an empathic, deeply emotional person. Learning to tap into and channel my emotional energy has uncovered a well-buried pit of pain and sorrow that I had long forgotten is still haunting and driving me throughout my life.
It’s the most horrible day of the year… (with apologies to Pola and Wyle!)
… well, it is for me, at least. But hopefully not forever. Actually, yesterday went rather well, all things considered. It all comes down to a promise with a little faith. And hope.